Have you ever been watching Juno, heard the rapid-fire witty banter between the characters, and wondered why you’ve never heard any of those slang terms before? You likely attributed it to being out of the loop, not being in touch with today’s youth and whatnot….Hopefully you didn’t beat yourself up too much for your lack of hipness – I’ve got some news for you, she just made that shit up. Nobody, anywhere, fucking talks like that. I was fucking embarassed just listening to that stuff. Maybe she was just trying to lay claim to a younger demographic? Nope, her Showtime effort, the horrendous United States of Tara, was targeted at a somewhat mature audience and was nonetheless infused with the exact same type of jibberish (along with a phenomenally stupid concept).
How did she come up with such silliness? Her retarded slang generation algorithm is a more closely guarded secret than Google’s search engine calculations. But, given the extreme amount of free time the crypto team here at wastedpotentialz.com has, we were able to crack the code.
Against my better judgment, here is a snippet of the cringe-inducing dialogue between Rainn Wilson, a drugstore cashier, and Ellen Page, a potentially pregnant teenager in the fucking Academy Award-Winning motion picture, Juno:
Rainn Wilson: What’s the prognosis, fertile Myrtle, minus or plus?
Ellen Page: Who knows? Not seasoned yet…Nope, there it is, little pink plus sign is so unholy.
Rainn Wilson: That ain’t no Etch-A-Sketch. This is one doodle that can’t be undid, Homeskillet.
Fucking A that is horrific. That singed my eyebrows a little bit just reading it – I am still wincing. She won a fucking Oscar for that shit??? Rainn Wilson, I hope you got paid a LOT of money to spout those idiotic words. Jesus.
So how does she do it? To clarify, I’m talking about the slang generator again, not how she manages to sustain a Hollywood writing career. (Full disclosure: I enjoy Ms. Cody’s column in Entertainment Weekly and she comes across as likeable and subtly witty when she appears on Chelsea Lately. Even the underlying premise for Juno was fine (not so with Tara). But that dialogue causes me actual physical pain.) Allow me to explain.
The structure of her slang generator is fairly familiar to anyone who enjoys fun with words. Yes, I’m talking about Madlibs. First, a tangent: I fucking ruled the Madlib roost back in elementary school. (Full disclosure: I grew up in Oklahoma and Arkansas, so it was really high school) My go-to move was using one of the three M’s when a noun was called for: mucus, mayonaisse, menopause. That bit always killed. Anyway, so if you want to create some Juno-esque dialog, here are a couple of the secret templates.
Two Characters Meet to Discuss Their Plans for the Evening
“[Salutation], [Ironic Nickname], when are [grammatically incorrect pronoun substitute + insulting description of collective + mythical creature] gonna [nonsensical action] to the [nonsensical place].”
Fill in the blanks:
Suggested Salutations: Hola, Holla!, H-town, Yayoyyooyayyao, Giddy, Spork, Chowdy, Babow!, Chowdydo!, Good cleavening, Buenos Nacho Bellgrande (hold the sour cream), Jinkers
Steps to Build an Ironic Nickname: 1). Choose a nostalgiac food item; then add 2). A third tier occupation. Example: Twinkiejanitor.
Example sentence: “Holla, Starburstgardener! When are us whore-werewolves gonna slander to the zeppelin?”
You are well on your way to an Academy Award!
A Main Character Describes a Life-altering Event to His/Her Best Friend
“[Insulting word + endearing word], it’s been a [endangered species] [synonym for murder gerund] day. My [synonym for mother], that [alcohol] snorting, [non-domesticated animal+sex act gerund] saint, has come down with the [physical adjective + mysterious abbreviation].”
Example sentence: “Slutbunny, it’s been a golden lion tamarin exterminating day. My Moms, that Laird’s Apple Brandy snorting, rhino-blowing saint, has come down with the Massive M.K.”
Seriously, it’s that easy!
I’m not gonna spoil any more of Diablo Cody’s secrets. Although even her fucking screen name is formulaic. Popular PC game + last name of gunslinger. Tetris James. Zork Hickock. This is so easy. I should’ve been a screenwriter.
Editor’s Note: Apologies for the posting delay, there was an, uh, SNAFU on Wednesday involving staying up til 5:00 AM. Makes it hard to stay on (imaginary, self-imposed) deadline. I did see Joan from Mad Men at my local liquor store that night though – she didn’t look the same as on the show (where she appears to be 6′ 3″ with dimensions 44/28/46), I actually recognized her fiance first. I’d seen a picture of them recently, and like everyone else I had to ask, um, why that dude? A little out of his league. Girls and their self esteem issues, sheesh. See for yourself.
Mailbag coming soon though. Good weekend to all.