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Lady Gaga: Hot or Horrendous?

Lady Gaga: Hot or Horrendous?

The phenomena that is Lady Gaga has taken the world by storm with her estimable philanthropic efforts, catchy tunes and indisputable talent.  Interestingly though, for someone who more often than not favors a thong and some stockings over actual pants, I have never heard any male mention wanting to partake in any kind of carnal activities with The Lady.  And I know some pretty disgusting people – the type of people who might hook up with a 63 year old hotel maid, or fantasize about a threesome with Mrs. Garrett and Natalie.  It’s a bit shocking, especially in the surprisingly superficial music biz, that someone who leans on her sexuality so much might actually be perceived as almost asexual.  Is Lady Gaga even good-looking?  A classic butterface?  Man in drag (allegedly)?  Let us explore…

First off, allow me to submit photo #1, below, as physical evidence.  If you have been a frequent visitor of this site, you’ve seen this photo before.  I’ve looked through thousands of LG photos, and this is the most flattering one available.  It appears to be from the photo shoot for the cover of first single “Just Dance” and it makes sense to put your best foot forward at the start of your march to global domination.  (I even turned off SafeSearch in my quest to accurately thoroughly evaluate LG’s looks.  Let’s just say that turning off SafeSearch forced me to sort through some LG-shots that won’t make the censorship cut at this family-friendly establishment.)

Not bad...
Off to a promising start...

Not bad, huh?  Probably has you leaning toward the hot side of the ledger, right?  Don’t be so quick to rush to judgment; as a pro bono “journalist,”  I have learned to look at any photograph with a jaundiced eye.  Photographers and subjects alike cannot seem to get enough of airbrushing, photoshopping, or whatnotting.  Let’s look at a quick example:  see below a popular picture of my feet, taken recently in Mexico.

Now, take a look at that same photo, after using a smidge of photoshop.  (Actually,  Not enough cash flow for name brand software, have to roll with the Scotch Buy.)

You see what I did there?  I simply added a new background, cropped out the drink, changed the perspective slightly to create the illusion of a cramp in my right foot, and voila!  Instead of my beautiful, if sandy, feet you are left with these unattractive hooves.  Look closely and you will see that the shadows remain the same – that’s often how you can detect lazy image manipulation.  So do not trust what you see, explicitly – unless what you see is explicit (and with SafeSearch off, you will see plenty).

Hotness/Horrendousness Analysis Criteria

  • Face:  27%
  • Body: 70%
  • Personality / Presentation: 3% (Personality is difficult to gauge for public figures that you have never met.  I use “Presentation” here to evaluate how we, the retarded public, are interpreting the signals they’re putting out there.  Art not science.)

Analysis: Gaga Face

Go ahead and scroll back up to that first picture, the “Let’s Dance” one.  First impressions are pretty meaningful, and my first thought of looking at that picture was “that’s a good-looking chick.”  Not a lot of distracting shit on her head/face, appears to be a straightforward attractive singer (although the “is she wearing pants?” issue definitely slows the initial evaluation process). is about more than a quick look about and a subsequent rush to judgment; I am here to provide penetrating insight and analysis on important topics that normal, employed people don’t have the time to directly evaluate themselves.  So take a look at this:

ummmm, what?
Ummmm, Donatella? Michelangelo?

Jebus, that is not a flattering photo.  Granted, those eyelash things aren’t helping but here she appears to treading pretty close to the “homely” line.  Let’s take another look at that noggin…

Little Red Riding Horrible...


Face Score: 3/10 (and that’s being generous)

Analysis: Gaga Body

Lady Gaga’s strategy has been both simple and two-pronged: 1) Wear little to nothing below the waist to draw attention away from her head, and 2) Wear some super-insane and elaborate headgear to further confuse the wandering eye that makes it that far north (the “modified purloined letter” approach to diversion).

Most people are familiar with Lady Gaga’s gluteal area, as she does little to cover it up.  The photo at the top (I hope it’s safe for work, pretty sure this was what she wore on SNL, so should be fine if it was on friggin national tv) should serve as an adequate reminder of her southern merits.  As the old axiom goes, “an exposed booty alone does not a body make”, so what else is Lady G working with?  Let’s take a gander back at her brunette days, which I think actually worked better for her, in an Ashlee-Simpson-pre-rhinoplasty kind of way.

,She would be a hit at Lilith Fair
She would be a hit at Lilith Fair

No Dolly/Jewel, for sure, but she makes up for any shortcomings by flaunting.  She does apparently get to the gym frequently, which is nice.  I think we can generally agree that she has a pretty solid body.  (And if she does happen to be a dude, please forget I said that.)

Body Score: 7/10 (extra points for being the Susan B. Anthony of the anti-pants movement)

Analysis: Personality/Presentation

The first time I ever saw Lady Gaga she was performing on So You Think You Can Dance.  It took me like two minutes to figure out what the hell was even going on, she was wearing some ice-covered glasses and an ice microphone and generally acting weird.  Since then she has taken her “I’m actually a performance artist” shtick to a new level, making public appearances wearing dresses made of bubbles or Kermit the Frog heads, or weird zipper masks that cover her entire face or huge sunglasses made out of live scorpions.  She’s pretty weird.

But, beyond just the no-pants thing, she’s advanced another cause that’s close to my heart: concentric circle fashion.  Until LG, only Marvel Comics’ character Havok really rocked the concentric look.  Before LG took up the cause, wearing concentric circle head and/or bodygear was largely frowned upon.  Even now it’s still not entirely acceptable – I think wearing a full body concentric ring suit has really had a negative impact on some recent job interviews.

Suitable for the gym, the club or high business casual events
Suitable for the gym, the club or even business casual events

Finally, in vogue
Finally, in vogue

Full business concentric
Full business concentric

She seems to have the intangibles, but much like Mike Singletary coaching the 49ers, we haven’t seen a lot of results yet.  I’m still gonna max her in this category, even though her zany antics/personality haven’t truly translated into an increased perception of hotness.

Personality / Presentation Score: 10/10

Conclusion:  5.7/10 overall.  Not hot, but a couple notches above horrendous – the mathematical analysis of the data proves the qualitative assumption once again.  She’s actually a pretty electric performer (watch the SNL clip if you disagree) and has clearly captured the nation’s imagination.  Pretty tough to accomplish as a singer when you aren’t hot.  (Try doing it with pants on though, amps up the difficulty level quite a bit).

That’s right, I posted something before start of bizness on Monday – it’s called a work ethic,


Some Friday Stuffs

Some Friday Stuffs

1.  Mad Men returns!  (Avoid if relative attractiveness and well-dressedness are self esteem issues for you)

2.  District 9 looks sweet, hoping to check it out this afternoon. I’ve skipped the details but the reviews from top critics look encouraging.  This will be my first chance to apply my South African knowledge/experience, I should certainly be able to verify the film’s cultural and historical accuracy.

3.  So You Think You Can Dance did not screw the pooch.  It looked like Evan, the dorky white dude, might win given his enormous “fan base” or “group of similar dorks with access to telephones.”   He was terrible.  Ultimately the judges came right out and said “if you continue to vote for Evan, then you are a fucking moron.”  In something of an upset, Jeanine won – she was a bit disadvantaged working (and possibly boning)  the one-dimensional Phillip Chbeeb for half the season.  Nice outcome.  It’s a little shocking that the last two girls were only 18 or so, given how objectified the women typically are on this show.  I guess if “dancer” is the professional path you’ve chosen, you are need to quickly get used to prancing around 90% naked in front of a lot of people.

The huge downside to the season’s end is that Evan’s fucking balding older brother is on the next season of SYTYCD.  That season starts in like two weeks, so that means I will be subjected to more of this broadway-loving, camera-mugging retard family.  Hopefully that older one doesn’t make the top 20 and we can be done with this quickly.

Again, you should be watching this show.  For reasons I cannot accurately convey, it is highly enjoyable.  As is America’s Best Dance Crew, which is also back on Sunday nights on MTV.  Haven’t watched the first episode yet, but I’m certain it will maintain its high level of excellence.  Watch them both.

Find the dissimilar item
Find the dissimilar item

4.  KFC is very popular in South Africa.  It’s by far the busiest spot in the Joburg airport and a standalone store in Cape Town was also going gangbusters.  I hear, but haven’t personally verified, the same about its popularity in China.  Combine that with the outstanding quality of the Nachos Supreme and Meximelt I had yesterday at the 14th and 5th T-Bell/Hut, and you’ve got a reason to buy some YUM Brands shares.  Ticker symbol?  YUM.  I might have to add to my already deep position.

5.  One of the Kardashians is pregnant?  Awesome, further advancement of the gene pool.  I really don’t understand why anyone gives a shit about that family?  Is it their propensity to date second tier professional athletes (sorry, Reggie, you are not even one of the better third down backs in the league)?  Kim has a big ass and was wheelbarrowed by Ray J on film.  The other ones get pregnant or arrested for DUI.  And now there’s a new show with the non-Kim ones, with ads plastered all over my regular reads like The EconomistUS Weekly, and The Atlantic.  I am seriously concerned about our society as a whole; at this point having all the mouthbreathers strapped into The Matrix pods looks like an optimistic outcome.

The one thing I find even remotely interesting about the Kardashian family is Bruce Jenner and how he’s handling the transition from ostensible “One of the Five Most Famous People in the World” following 1976 Olympic gold medal to bumbling husband/stepfather to (apparently) amoral, star-fucking, fame-seeking gold digger clan.  He seems to enjoy remote control helicopters and facelifts, but he is also the voice of reason/moral center of the household, so I’d say he’s faring pretty well.

6.  Happy Madden Day!  As one of the first people to own a Playstation in the U.S. (it debuted in September 1995 and I got mine in either October or November after uncannily predicting that eight weeks of Groton winter would be akin to a stint in Siberia) I can lay claim to a pretty rich, if dated, gaming history.  Shockingly I have never played Madden.  When I bought my Playstation, I opted for NFL Gameday, likely because it had William Floyd on the cover.  It was pretty complicated so I quickly gave up.  Then on my boat we played some NFL Blitz, which I also quickly abandoned as one of my mentally challenged colleagues figured out how to make Mark Bruener of his beloved Steelers open every single play.  Even though he averaged less than one catch per game in his real career, that fucking Bruener would score like seven TDs per game against my virtual Niners.

I hate football video games, because I suck at them.  But I do admire the Madden franchise and the fact that they’ve made its annual release a virtual holiday for slackers, nerds and sports enthusiasts alike.  Nice work.  Enjoy the holiday.

7.  “Make Her Say” – Pretty cool song combining some of my favorite things: Kid Cudi (check out “Day and Night” if unfamiliar with his oeuvre), Kanye and Lady Gaga.  Common too, but I’ve never been a big fan.  This song was originally called “I Poke Her Face” which for some reason the producers felt might not be radio friendly.  Those fickle marketers.

One complaint – can we please quit rhyming “medulla oblongata”?  Whodini was doing that shit like 25 years ago, so it isn’t exactly fresh.  And, Kanye, I know I’ve heard it from you at least as many times as you’ve rhymed “knowledge” and “college.”  Anyway, nice collaboration here.

8.    How quickly the scales of the court of public opinion shift – is that too wordy?  I was trying to evoke that blindfolded lady holding the scale with right on one side and wrong on the other or whatnot.  Anyway, about six months ago everyone felt sorry for that Jon Gosselin fellow because his wife seemed a raging controlling bitch.  Now he’s sporting Ed Hardy gear, earrings, banging random chicks and hanging out with Lindsay Lohan’s dad and everyone fucking hates him.  Hopefully, if you are reading this, you don’t fucking care.  I generally don’t fucking care either, except for the fact that I am besieged by his doofus image in much of the highbrow media I consume.

But one thing really got me riled up, he recently quoted about some new girlfriend: “she loves me for who I am, not for what I do.”  What exactly do you do, beyond over-employing fertilization routines and tv crews?  Seriously, this guy has no fucking job, he got canned.  (Not that there’s anything wrong with that, many of the smartest, most attractive and hilariousest people get canned)  But seriously, what does this fucking guy do?   I am seriously getting sick of these reality “stars” – of the shows I don’t watch, of course.

All the single ladies, form an orderly line!
All the single ladies, form an orderly line!

9.  I recommend checking out some Florence + The Machine if you are hurting for new music.  She sounds a little like Natalie Merchant on a dianabol cycle to me.  I favor the lady singers, so there’s always the chance I’m overenthusiastic. “Kiss With a Fist” is pretty sweet but the video is tres lame, so I offer “Dog Days” instead.


10.  Since it didn’t make sense to stop at #9, here’s a herd of buffalo:

Bring on the lions
A Gary Larson wet dream

Have a swell weekend,

Chilly17, wasted potential personified

Ten Other Events That Could Cripple The Internet

Ten Other Events That Could Cripple The Internet

Here we are two weeks later, and Michael Jackson coverage is still everywhere.  Amazing.  I guess it shouldn’t be so shocking considering he was probably still the biggest star in the world, his international fame having apparently diminished less over the last two decades than here in the U.S.  What events (excluding war or terrorism) could even come close to matching Michael’s death as far as media coverage, internet crippling, and hysteria inciting?

#10.  Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt confuse “self promotion” with “self-immolation” on followup Today Show appearance

one can hope
One can hope, right?

#9.  Miley Cyrus has torrid, public affair with 47 year old proprietor of popular “Miley’s Countdown to 18 Years Old” website; Billy Ray approves, has cheese sandwich

#8.  Lady Gaga announces special benefit concert to be held in own vagina

#7.  Seth Rogen announces that he has turned down the opportunity to play a mumbling stoner in an upcoming comedic film

#6.  Michael Jordan announces that he is gay and dating Neil Patrick Harris

A couple with true cross-cultural appeal
A couple with true cross-cultural appeal

#5.  Chris Brown found beaten to death with three purity rings shoved up his ass; Rihanna / Jonas Brothers kick off North American tour

#4.  Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie produce and star in a hardcore pornographic film to be released in theaters; all proceeds from the film to benefit starving/poorly coiffed children around the world

#3.  Jon Gosselin wins custody of kids after Kate admits to participating in Pagan sacrifice rituals; Jon immediately hooks up with Octomom and TLC greenlights Jon & Nadya Plus Twenty

Candid shot at a Sam's Club on a diaper run
The happy couple on a $60k diaper run

#2.  J.K. Rowling and David Simon announce collaboration: three new Harry Potter novels, to be set in The Wire‘s Baltimore; first one tentatively titled Harry Potter and Oh Fuck It’s Omar

#1.  Heath Ledger and Joaquin Phoenix reveal recent death/bizarre behavior as hoaxes and announce plans for Brokeback II: Bareback Boogaloo

Better days
Hopefully this happens for the sake of Dark Knight II and struggling rappers everywhere

Wow, can’t believe it’s been six days since last post.  Fairly banged up since whirlwind 4th of July weekend in AC with ‘Tro and his lovely wife.  Apparently need 18 hours of sleep to fully recover.  Although I did go pretty strong for five consecutive days.  Whatever, I’m back now and will have some new stuff this week.

Later, Chilly17