The attractive gentleman pictured above is Spencer Pratt. I certainly hope that those of you reading these words have no idea who this kid is – God knows I wish I didn’t. But I have no control over what goes into/out of our (her) DVR, so I’m sometimes subjected to the inanities of shit like The Hills while I’m trying to catch up on the latest hotchickswithdouchebags.com posts. What is The Hills, you might ask? I’m not really certain, as I can assure you I don’t pay that much attention – there’s a lot of blank-staring, mouth-breathing and white-boy-slang-appropriating going on, as far as I can tell, and not much else.
One thing is for absolute certain though – Spencer, and to an extent his talented wife Heidi (nee Montag), is absolutely hated because of the show. I avow, aver and whatever else is appropriate that I have never knowingly/willingly tuned in, but through sheer televised osmosis (and the brilliant The Soup) I am aware that somehow there was some feud between Speidi (tabloid monikers rule) and Lauren Conrad (the star of the show who is also a vacant starer/mouth breather). I believe Speidi-planted allegations that Lauren starred in an amateur sex tape may have started the feud (since when has that been bad for a career in celeb/reality world?). Since then there has apparently been a lot of acrimony and stuff – you can tell because the silences in the show get awkwarder, the stares vacanter and the breathing mouthier. And Spencer has really embraced the role of villain, generally stirring up a lot of shit and showing little remorse (including punching some dude for something or other in a bar at some point). He talks, acts and looks like the epitome of douchebag – actually he goes up a notch, to full-fledged twat. (Not to plug it again but The Soup brilliantly skewered one recent highlight where Spencer and an idiotic head-bobbing moron friend discussed their plans for the night in 1990 NWA-speak) Why would I write an extensive, informative, well-thought, reader-friendly, grammatically-correct post to defend this Twat with a Capital T?
Because I think he’s in on the joke. He’s playing the villain for the Q-rating only, trying to keep his celebrity up while he can. He’s making money appearing on garbage like I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here! and reprising his role as “The Dickmunch”. Clearly he doesn’t buy into all the bullshit he espouses and it’s (mostly?) an act to keep in the public eye for as long as possible. Positive NPV move. The guy has no real talents – he’s his wifes manager, and by all accounts, her music career isn’t going anywhere (new bolt-ons notwithstanding). What else does he have to offer? Given his strong identification with the urban world, he can maybe do some duets with Joaquin Phoenix or something, but that seems unlikely.
It’s a brilliant strategy, really – he’s evolved the Omarosa approach to celebrity. “I’m a dick, keep your eyes on me because I may do something dickish”. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t do any research for this post beyond the retardities that I’ve endured with that dreck on in the background, but the kid says some pretty humorous stuff. On the reality show I’m a Celebrity (and the networks have really taken liberties with the word “celebrity” – a Deal or No Deal model and an anonymous ex-wrestler qualify?), Spencer’s diatribe to “NBC network executive” where he says “we’re megacelebrities and we’re stuck out here with these nobodies” cannot possibly be legitimate. But I applaud the efforts, and I appreciate that NBC also embraced the couple for the sake of ratings – I like Lou Diamond Phillips as much as the next guy (his wife bailed on him for Melissa Etheridge, for Christ’s sake!), but the casual idiot watching summer tripe such as this is much more familar with Heidi and Spencer. And apparently the ratings dropped like 20% once Spencer and Heidi departed. (Full disclosure: This fucking show is on in the background as I’m typing this likely Pulitzer-worthy post).
So I nod my head to you, Spencer Pratt; I would do the exact same fucking act if I were in your shoes. Just consider maybe shaving and cutting down on the open-mouthedness a bit.
Chilly17, still wasting potential