Browsed by
Tag: mad men

Fearful Predictions

Fearful Predictions


I’m back.  Sort of.  Feel like I’ve lost that writing feeling.  It’s like in Superman II where Clark loses his powers – but this would be more like if he was just kind of mediocre and then lost his power of mediocrity and became like below average – still similar though.  Even the magical elixir (T-Bell+Yellow Tail+Idiotic Television) is not breaking the slump.  Blah.  Some stuff I’ve started working on sits, 30% complete, victim of my existential slump.  Anyhoo, this shit ain’t goin to write itself, so I will dip my toe back into the pool with some fearful predictions.  (My legs are too shaky to offer fearless predictions at this point.)


The Nine Year Old Who Plays Sally Draper on Mad Men Will Someday Win An Oscar –  She’s phenomenal, maybe the best child actor I’ve ever seen.  Her scene with Grandpa Gene this year were heartbreaking.  She can bust out the convincing waterworks, too.  Most kids are just hamming it up out there, but Sally has really been driving the at-home scenes this season much more than her parents.  Hopefully Kiernan Shipka’s parents aren’t old friends with the Lohans.


The saddest ballerina
The saddest ballerina


Noted Fat-Ass Kloe Kardashian Will Be Pushing At Least Three Bills After Being Married To Lamar Odom For A Year – Sounds like a plot from The Drew Carey Show, she’s got a propensity for largeness and he’s addicted to candy.  What could go wrong?  All the (alleged) mary juana probably won’t help the binging situation any.


Bruce may have a point
Bruce may have a point


The Wall Street Pay Restrictions Will Cause A Lot Of Hand-Wringing And Muttering Under One’s Breath, But Won’t Really Change Shit – The financial crisis?  That’s so 2000 and late – how about manning up and taking on some fucking risk?  I smell some unenforceable clawback provisions and increased stock grant percentages (probably at a discount to market), nicely offset by substantial base pay raises.  Rock on.  I’m gettin back in once a Murcie is officially a standard perk for an average-to-below average VP.


LP-640s will be for Directors and above, of course
LP-640s will be for Directors and above, of course



If Whatever Bit Me Last Night Is, In Fact, A Bedbug, Then I’m Bailing To Bug-free Surroundings – I guess this is a conditional prediction.  They’ve been spraying for the bastards in our building, but we’ve never had any, to my knowledge.  But some microscopic fucking bug was on me last night – perhaps a a rebel group that’s built up immunity to the noxious spray? – and, while much smaller than the one depicted below, generally fit the bill.  It was a bug, and it was in the bed.  Even in BFArkansas, there aren’t bedbugs disturbing your sleep and contributing to your paranoia.


This one is roughly 10,000x bigger, but still - bedbugs??
This one is roughly 10,000x bigger, but still - bedbugs??



Shakira’s Flesh-Colored Bodysuit Look Will Not Sweep The Nation, Despite The Efforts Of Many Helpful SOs – Also, what kind of dancing is that?  Werewolf funk?  But major, major props for working “lycanthropy” into the lyrics.  That’s fantastic.  Good song, IMO.




One Of The Chicks From Real World: Cancun Will Be Arrested For A Significant Crime Within 5 Years – I’m betting on Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaiiiaiiaiiiii stabbing omeone in the eyeball, but there are also cases to be made for criminal insecurity, criminal sluttiness or criminal immaturity.  And great job, Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaiiiaiiaiiiii, on at least making out with everyone in the house, despite everyone’s professed hatred of you.  Kudos. Live long and do not procreate.


A hut full of crazy
A hut full of crazy



In An Effort To Minimize The Time It Takes To Have A Large Family They Cannot Afford, Someone In Arkansas Will Become Pregnant While Already Pregnant – In other places, people take pride in meaningless material things such as cars, houses, jobs, food but in Arkansas, having a massive brood is the most desirable accoutrement.  But it’s hard to keep up with the Joneses, what with all that pesky “it takes a year til you can get pregnant again.”  WAIT, WHAT??? THIS ALREADY HAPPENED??  I’m like fucking Nostradumbass Unbelievable.  Only in the ‘sas.


That wasn’t that hard….I guess I will work on my “Greatest Movie Of Our Time” post for tomorrow….


Peace,

Chilly17


Some Friday Stuffs

Some Friday Stuffs





1.  Mad Men returns!  (Avoid if relative attractiveness and well-dressedness are self esteem issues for you)


2.  District 9 looks sweet, hoping to check it out this afternoon. I’ve skipped the details but the reviews from top critics look encouraging.  This will be my first chance to apply my South African knowledge/experience, I should certainly be able to verify the film’s cultural and historical accuracy.


3.  So You Think You Can Dance did not screw the pooch.  It looked like Evan, the dorky white dude, might win given his enormous “fan base” or “group of similar dorks with access to telephones.”   He was terrible.  Ultimately the judges came right out and said “if you continue to vote for Evan, then you are a fucking moron.”  In something of an upset, Jeanine won – she was a bit disadvantaged working (and possibly boning)  the one-dimensional Phillip Chbeeb for half the season.  Nice outcome.  It’s a little shocking that the last two girls were only 18 or so, given how objectified the women typically are on this show.  I guess if “dancer” is the professional path you’ve chosen, you are need to quickly get used to prancing around 90% naked in front of a lot of people.

The huge downside to the season’s end is that Evan’s fucking balding older brother is on the next season of SYTYCD.  That season starts in like two weeks, so that means I will be subjected to more of this broadway-loving, camera-mugging retard family.  Hopefully that older one doesn’t make the top 20 and we can be done with this quickly.

Again, you should be watching this show.  For reasons I cannot accurately convey, it is highly enjoyable.  As is America’s Best Dance Crew, which is also back on Sunday nights on MTV.  Haven’t watched the first episode yet, but I’m certain it will maintain its high level of excellence.  Watch them both.


Find the dissimilar item
Find the dissimilar item



4.  KFC is very popular in South Africa.  It’s by far the busiest spot in the Joburg airport and a standalone store in Cape Town was also going gangbusters.  I hear, but haven’t personally verified, the same about its popularity in China.  Combine that with the outstanding quality of the Nachos Supreme and Meximelt I had yesterday at the 14th and 5th T-Bell/Hut, and you’ve got a reason to buy some YUM Brands shares.  Ticker symbol?  YUM.  I might have to add to my already deep position.


5.  One of the Kardashians is pregnant?  Awesome, further advancement of the gene pool.  I really don’t understand why anyone gives a shit about that family?  Is it their propensity to date second tier professional athletes (sorry, Reggie, you are not even one of the better third down backs in the league)?  Kim has a big ass and was wheelbarrowed by Ray J on film.  The other ones get pregnant or arrested for DUI.  And now there’s a new show with the non-Kim ones, with ads plastered all over my regular reads like The EconomistUS Weekly, and The Atlantic.  I am seriously concerned about our society as a whole; at this point having all the mouthbreathers strapped into The Matrix pods looks like an optimistic outcome.

The one thing I find even remotely interesting about the Kardashian family is Bruce Jenner and how he’s handling the transition from ostensible “One of the Five Most Famous People in the World” following 1976 Olympic gold medal to bumbling husband/stepfather to (apparently) amoral, star-fucking, fame-seeking gold digger clan.  He seems to enjoy remote control helicopters and facelifts, but he is also the voice of reason/moral center of the household, so I’d say he’s faring pretty well.


6.  Happy Madden Day!  As one of the first people to own a Playstation in the U.S. (it debuted in September 1995 and I got mine in either October or November after uncannily predicting that eight weeks of Groton winter would be akin to a stint in Siberia) I can lay claim to a pretty rich, if dated, gaming history.  Shockingly I have never played Madden.  When I bought my Playstation, I opted for NFL Gameday, likely because it had William Floyd on the cover.  It was pretty complicated so I quickly gave up.  Then on my boat we played some NFL Blitz, which I also quickly abandoned as one of my mentally challenged colleagues figured out how to make Mark Bruener of his beloved Steelers open every single play.  Even though he averaged less than one catch per game in his real career, that fucking Bruener would score like seven TDs per game against my virtual Niners.

I hate football video games, because I suck at them.  But I do admire the Madden franchise and the fact that they’ve made its annual release a virtual holiday for slackers, nerds and sports enthusiasts alike.  Nice work.  Enjoy the holiday.


7.  “Make Her Say” – Pretty cool song combining some of my favorite things: Kid Cudi (check out “Day and Night” if unfamiliar with his oeuvre), Kanye and Lady Gaga.  Common too, but I’ve never been a big fan.  This song was originally called “I Poke Her Face” which for some reason the producers felt might not be radio friendly.  Those fickle marketers.

One complaint – can we please quit rhyming “medulla oblongata”?  Whodini was doing that shit like 25 years ago, so it isn’t exactly fresh.  And, Kanye, I know I’ve heard it from you at least as many times as you’ve rhymed “knowledge” and “college.”  Anyway, nice collaboration here.



8.    How quickly the scales of the court of public opinion shift – is that too wordy?  I was trying to evoke that blindfolded lady holding the scale with right on one side and wrong on the other or whatnot.  Anyway, about six months ago everyone felt sorry for that Jon Gosselin fellow because his wife seemed a raging controlling bitch.  Now he’s sporting Ed Hardy gear, earrings, banging random chicks and hanging out with Lindsay Lohan’s dad and everyone fucking hates him.  Hopefully, if you are reading this, you don’t fucking care.  I generally don’t fucking care either, except for the fact that I am besieged by his doofus image in much of the highbrow media I consume.

But one thing really got me riled up, he recently quoted about some new girlfriend: “she loves me for who I am, not for what I do.”  What exactly do you do, beyond over-employing fertilization routines and tv crews?  Seriously, this guy has no fucking job, he got canned.  (Not that there’s anything wrong with that, many of the smartest, most attractive and hilariousest people get canned)  But seriously, what does this fucking guy do?   I am seriously getting sick of these reality “stars” – of the shows I don’t watch, of course.


All the single ladies, form an orderly line!
All the single ladies, form an orderly line!



9.  I recommend checking out some Florence + The Machine if you are hurting for new music.  She sounds a little like Natalie Merchant on a dianabol cycle to me.  I favor the lady singers, so there’s always the chance I’m overenthusiastic. “Kiss With a Fist” is pretty sweet but the video is tres lame, so I offer “Dog Days” instead.


 

10.  Since it didn’t make sense to stop at #9, here’s a herd of buffalo:


Bring on the lions
A Gary Larson wet dream


Have a swell weekend,

Chilly17, wasted potential personified


Check Out My Diablo Cody Slang Generator, Homeskillet

Check Out My Diablo Cody Slang Generator, Homeskillet


Have you ever been watching Juno, heard the rapid-fire witty banter between the characters, and wondered why you’ve never heard any of those slang terms before?  You likely attributed it to being out of the loop, not being in touch with today’s youth and whatnot….Hopefully you didn’t beat yourself up too much for your lack of hipness – I’ve got some news for you, she just made that shit up.  Nobody, anywhere, fucking talks like that.  I was fucking embarassed  just listening to that stuff.  Maybe she was just trying to lay claim to a younger demographic?  Nope, her  Showtime effort, the horrendous United States of Tara, was targeted at a somewhat mature audience and was nonetheless infused with the exact same type of jibberish (along with a phenomenally stupid concept).

How did she come up with such silliness?  Her retarded slang generation algorithm is a more closely guarded secret than Google’s search engine calculations.  But, given the extreme amount of free time the crypto team here at wastedpotentialz.com has, we were able to crack the code.

Against my better judgment, here is a snippet of the cringe-inducing dialogue between Rainn Wilson, a drugstore cashier, and Ellen Page, a potentially pregnant teenager in the fucking Academy Award-Winning motion picture, Juno:

Rainn Wilson:  What’s the prognosis, fertile Myrtle, minus or plus?

Ellen Page:  Who knows?  Not seasoned yet…Nope, there it is, little pink plus sign is so unholy.

Rainn Wilson:  That ain’t no Etch-A-Sketch. This is one doodle that can’t be undid, Homeskillet.

Fucking A that is horrific.  That singed my eyebrows a little bit just reading it – I am still wincing.  She won a fucking Oscar for that shit???  Rainn Wilson, I hope you got paid a LOT of money to spout those idiotic words.  Jesus.


"Spank poodle bark, banjo niblets"
"Spank poodle bark, banjo niblets"


So how does she do it?  To clarify, I’m talking about the slang generator again, not how she manages to sustain a Hollywood writing career.  (Full disclosure: I enjoy Ms. Cody’s column in Entertainment Weekly and she comes across as likeable and subtly witty when she appears on Chelsea Lately.  Even the underlying premise for Juno was fine (not so with Tara).  But that dialogue causes me actual physical pain.)  Allow me to explain.

The structure of her slang generator is fairly familiar to anyone who enjoys fun with words.  Yes, I’m talking about Madlibs.  First, a tangent: I fucking ruled the Madlib roost back in elementary school.  (Full disclosure: I grew up in Oklahoma and Arkansas, so it was really high school)  My go-to move was using one of the three M’s when a noun was called for: mucus, mayonaisse, menopause.  That bit always killed.  Anyway, so if you want to create some Juno-esque dialog, here are a couple of the secret templates.


Two Characters Meet to Discuss Their Plans for the Evening

“[Salutation], [Ironic Nickname], when are [grammatically incorrect pronoun substitute + insulting description of collective + mythical creature] gonna [nonsensical action] to the [nonsensical place].”

Fill in the blanks:

Suggested Salutations: Hola, Holla!, H-town, Yayoyyooyayyao, Giddy, Spork, Chowdy, Babow!, Chowdydo!, Good cleavening, Buenos Nacho Bellgrande (hold the sour cream), Jinkers

Steps to Build an Ironic Nickname: 1). Choose a nostalgiac food item; then add 2). A third tier occupation.  Example:  Twinkiejanitor.

Example sentence:  “Holla, Starburstgardener!  When are us whore-werewolves gonna slander to the zeppelin?”

You are well on your way to an Academy Award!


A Main Character Describes a Life-altering Event to His/Her Best Friend

“[Insulting word + endearing word], it’s been a [endangered species] [synonym for murder gerund] day.  My [synonym for mother], that [alcohol] snorting, [non-domesticated animal+sex act gerund] saint, has come down with the [physical adjective + mysterious abbreviation].”

Example sentence: “Slutbunny, it’s been a golden lion tamarin exterminating day.  My Moms, that Laird’s Apple Brandy snorting, rhino-blowing saint, has come down with the Massive M.K.”

Seriously, it’s that easy!

I’m not gonna spoil any more of Diablo Cody’s secrets.  Although even her fucking screen name is formulaic.  Popular PC game + last name of gunslinger.  Tetris James.  Zork Hickock.  This is so easy.  I should’ve been a screenwriter.



Editor’s Note: Apologies for the posting delay, there was an, uh, SNAFU on Wednesday involving staying up til 5:00 AM.  Makes it hard to stay on (imaginary, self-imposed) deadline.  I did see Joan from Mad Men at my local liquor store that night though – she didn’t look the same as on the show (where she appears to be 6′ 3″ with dimensions 44/28/46), I actually recognized her fiance first.  I’d seen a picture of them recently, and like everyone else I had to ask, um, why that dude?  A little out of his league.  Girls and their self esteem issues, sheesh.  See for yourself.


Wait, he was in Super Troopers?  That explains everything
Wait, he was in Super Troopers? That explains everything


Maybe not everything
Maybe not everything




Mailbag coming soon though.  Good weekend to all.


Chilly17