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I’m Not a Great Conversationalist

I’m Not a Great Conversationalist

This GQ image relates in no way to the text below
This GQ image relates in no way to the text below

I went to a party on Friday and managed to keep alive my streak of being the most immature person in the room – this was challenging given that I had at least a 15 year life experience advantage on the average attendee.  I am still hung over a solid 48 hours later.  Just maybe, like a cop on the verge of retirement faced with his most personal and challenging (yet potentially life-affirming) case, I’m getting too old for this shit.  But in the course of this social gathering, I did recognize my own shortcomings as a conversationalist (and/or normal person).  In my constant quest for complete self awareness, I noted that I am only capable of discussing a vary narrow list of topics.

Stuff I Can Have a Conversation About (In Order of Occurrence):

1.  The Mets suck, motherfucker!  (I run into lots of Mets fans)

2.  Have you seen The Wire?

3.  I fucking hate the Mets, man, boy do they suck!

4.  Would you care to hear some gambling stories?

5.  I mean, they fucking really fucking suck, dood, seriously the fucking Mets fucking stink.  I’m a Braves fan, man, so glad the fucking sorry-assed Mets took Francoeur’s sorry ass.

6.  My favorite character on The Wire is probably Bunk.  Or Carver.  Did you see that one where Bunk set his clothes on fire when he had a one night stand?  That was awesome.

That’s basically it.  This certainly will not stand.  I used to be something of a bon vivant, capable of thoughtful discourse on any number of topics, including religion, politics, wine, food, sport, the theatre.  You name it, my bizarre yet versatile educational/vocational background allowed me to nimbly navigate the social strata.  Okay, none of that shit was true, but I certainly had a broader repertoire than “Mets suck/Wire rules” – I’ve seen comments on that are more substantive than my current social set pieces.  One great thing about being so fucking self aware is it provides you with a list of things to improve on (or to ignore and allow to fester and become debilitating).

Mrs. Roddick, from SI.  Why is this picture even here?
Mrs. Roddick, from SI. Why is this picture even here?

To improve my social capabilities, I vow to spend some time on the following:

1.  Broaden viewing of topical television shows that I missed: I will rent The O.C. and Gilmore Girls DVDs so I’m in better touch with the youth of today.  I want to know the story behind those sweet “Free Marissa Cooper” tee shirts.

2.  Become more well-read:  I will pay particular attention to the the copies of Us Weekly and OK! that are lying around the apartment; all that SmartMoney reading has increased neither my level of smart nor my level of money.

3.  Pay more attention to the channels further down the channel guide:  After experiencing the particular genius of Ninja Warrior, and learning it’s been going on for years, I initially felt like a pop cultural failure.  I will not let the post-channel-30 locations of the G4s, FitTVs, Fuses, C-SPAN-3s, etc. scare me away from potentially excellent, and socially relevent, programming any longer.  (Hopefully there are also more ninja-focused shows out there.)

4.  Hang around the liquor store to see what’s new in the world of alcohol:  Did you know there’s a new vodka that tastes like fucking sweet tea?  Seriously, Firefly vodka.  It tastes like fucking sweet tea.  Read that again – and it’s still 35% hooch.  Throw some lemonade in that bitch and you are set with an alcoholic Arnold Palmer.  (Thanks, ‘Pril)  I have spent considerable time and energy working on a chili verde burrito-flavored vodka, with little success thus far.  This tea-flavored ‘ka is an evolutionary step up the “alcohol that tastes like something else that is delicious but will still get you drunk” ladder.

5.  See more movies:  I need to go see that Bruno – no one captures the cultural zeitgeist like Mr. Baron Cohen with his guerrilla performance art pieces.  I’ve gotta get on board with the hilarious catch phrases.  “I’m Bruno!”  Haha, that’s hilarious in and of itself.

6.  Experience different foods:  In that vein, I will today try the Bacon Cheesy Potato Burrito at T-Bell.  I have never tried any of the “bacon” products at The Bell, and for good reason: their other products are already fucking fantastic.  And really the only bacon I need I get on the Atlantis Club at Murray’s Deli.  But I’m ready to take this drastic gastronomic step in my quest for self improvement.  I will probably also get a Volcano Burrito, too.  That sounds pretty good.

We’ll see how this goes.

(Editor’s Note #1: I’m still kicking myself for omitting my couplet “sat down for some online poker, yo, messed around and won a $50 sit n go” from “Wednesday Was A Good Day.”  Dammit.)

(Editor’s Note #2: You may wonder why there are like 100 pictures of girls in swimsuits today.  Good question.  Given that my traffic has increased 17,000% since the debut of Megan Fox in a swimsuit, I’ve realized that it’s not the hours of painstakingly crafted content that will help this place grow.  It’s nubile young ladies in swimsuits.  The inner artist sheds a tear.  Apologies to the four females that read this site (SO, Railbird, Mom, maybe Mrs. C-Note) but at least I’m providing some good swimsuit ideas.)

(Editor’s Note #3: Tomorrow I’m coming back to my crappy jobs list, but I’ve gotten to that point where they aren’t that crappy.  So don’t be alarmed if the title is modified slightly, it’s not an entirely new list.)

Marisa Miller is in good shape
Marisa Miller is in good shape


“Wednesday Was A Good Day”

“Wednesday Was A Good Day”

Courtesy GQ
Courtesy GQ

Hola.  It’s a Friday during summer, so I expect all of 4 or 5 people to be reading this instead of soaking up the sun.  Suddenly hot as fuck in NYC, really brings out the delicate aromas in the garbage bags on the street.  A little more of Megan Fox from GQ, I think her engaging personality and vibrant performances are really captivating people.  (She has also apparently done some crunches recently)

I couldn’t post on Thursday as I was a little hung ov – um, I wasn’t feeling well.  But Wednesday was a good day.  Please enjoy some classic Ice Cube complete with my alternative lyrics (in written form, I don’t have the technology or talent to record shit).

“Wednesday Was A Good Day”

Wednesday woke up around nine fifteen,

no hangover – what’s that mean?

Practicing moderation,

plus have no vocation,

let’s check the NASDAQ

ISRG on the comeback,

No job, no conference calls,

no stupid meetings,

And I didn’t even have to read an 8-K,

Wednesday was a good day

Feeling hungry,

strolled over

to Qdoba

forgot it’s only five to ten

Gave $2 to the needy,

stopped by Gristedes,

grabbed some Arriba Salsa – nice,

$5.99 is now the everyday low price,

those motherfuckers couldn’t stop me,

I know how to shop, see,

manager couldn’t splain why

bodega down the street a better buy

Price now only represents

about one percent

of my unemployment check.

And I didn’t even have to read an 8-K,

Wednesday was a good day

Back home, cook up some tacos,

pollo’s tight,

no problems from the knockos,

unless they hiding,

but I’m pretty law abiding,

paranoid from too much Wire,

mouth on fire,

man, I forgot:

Arriba’s fucking hot.

Head over to the gym for some lifting,

bench about three fifty,

nah, shit, only one eight five,

will survive

twenty minutes on the mill

now it’s time to chill

or maybe take a fucking nap

And I didn’t even have to read an 8-K,

Wednesday was a good day

Wake up from my nap,

holy crap!

it’s four thirty – did my stocks pop?

oops, don’t drop that laptop!

up three percent, Ted,

time for some fermented

grapes –

Menage, boy, that’s right

G1 blowin up –

“you going out, what up tonight?”

No chance,

Wednesday, son:

So You Think You Can Dance.

And I didn’t even have to read an 8-K,

Wednesday was a good day

Looking good tonight, Cat,

Hey where’s my SO at?

Not home by ten as promised,

Guess I’ll hafta grab some hummus.

Wait, there she is – what the hell?

Is that a bag of Taco Bell?

Fuck that mashed garbanzo,

I’ll have a volcanco taco.

Okay, that wasn’t real,

she didn’t show til 2:00 AM

taco-free and drunk, my friend,

But technically that was Thursday,

so all-in-all,

Wednesday was a good day….

Nice fail, Emmy voters
Nice fail, Emmy voters

Enjoy your weekends and shit,


The Hottest Woman on Earth: 1974-2009

The Hottest Woman on Earth: 1974-2009

Disclaimer:  I have omitted the women I have actually dated for fairness to my international audience, who may not be as familiar with the largely non-world-famous women I’ve dated in the real world (CJ – keep working it and you’ll get a disclaimer’s disclaimer), but who would all nonetheless be prominent on this list.  (Particularly the one who allows me to write this outside the confines of the homeless shelter.)  Hopefully this prevents any unneccesary personal life friction.

Some of you are probably thinking this is a feeble nod to Farrah’s unfortunate passing last Thursday; you’re half correct – she’s on the list, but it’s not a #1 for the entire period 1974-2009, it’s subject to change.  My Hottest Woman on Earth ranking is a little bit like the professional tennis rankings – no one’s exactly sure what the exact formula is, and the strong #1’s stay on the perch for a long time.  The one key thing that I noticed when collecting my memories to compile this list is that I’m getting fucking old.  Old.  Some of you young mother fuckers will have to hit the search engines just to figure out who some of these (formerly) young women are.  Dammit.  Old.  Still spry though.

Rest in peace, Farrah.


World’s Hottest Woman, 1974 – 1977:  Julie Newmar (Catwoman on Batman)


And 1,000 slutty Halloween costumes were born...
And 1,000 slutty Halloween costumes were born...

This name will likely call a little for those of you who are still in your Goldschläger and Jägermeister phases (and for the sake of the world as we know it, I hope those phases still exist).  Or unless you are a big John Leguizamo fan.  But for me, true love hit me at five years old.  Batman re-runs weren’t even the worst of it – I had an oversized Batman TV show magazine that featured a headshot of Julie Newmar on the inside back cover.  My first experience with anguishing love – even at five years old, it seemed like life was hardly worth soldiering through if there was no Julie Newmar to share it with.  Sigh.  These photos don’t do her justice – trust me on this: holy shit, was she hot.

Since I was only 5-6 years old, these weren’t sexual feelings, of course, more like idealistic longings for the perfect embodiment of beauty and superpowers.  And the costume wasn’t too bad either.

I would watch more kid's shows if the programming kept pace
I would watch more kid's shows if the programming kept pace

Contenders for the crown: None – I was friggin 5-8 years old.



World’s Hottest Woman, 1977 – 1981:  Farrah Fawcett-Majors


jeebus.  ultimate all-american girl
jeebus. ultimate all-american girl

Given that I hit puberty at age 22, I don’t think I can make the case that I was a quick developer.  But I can still vividly recall, to this day, the impact that Farrah had on my nether regions in 1977.  Unreal – there is no event in more modern pop culture that I can compare to the debut of Charlie’s Angels.  The Britney Spears era of sophomores wearing clothes that would’ve made an 80’s stripper blush comes closest, but still far from the dawn of “jiggle tv.”  I can, without my usual dose of propaganda/exaggeration, honestly attest to feeling some kind of weird feelings down below just from seeing her name in the episode description in TV Guide.  I was eight years old.  I didn’t know what was going on, but something was happening.

Not much I can really add – these pictures tell the story pretty well.  Farrah was the quintessential American beauty.  And, not to be grotesque at a sad time, but anyone who saw her Playboy spread in 1997 can attest to her eye-poppingly unique endowment (not smuggling erasers, more like smuggling a pair of #2 lead pencils).  She was still ultra-fine 20+ years after her heydey – that’s a fucking accomplishment.


Better than her more iconic pose
Better than her more iconic pose

Contenders for the crown: While no one got all that close in this era, there started to be more prominent players: Olivia Newton John at the end of Grease, Charlene Tilton of Dallas (she’s, uh, not aged well, but back in the day she could bring it), Bo Derek circa Ten and Tarzan.



World’s Hottest Woman, 1981 – 1988:  Veronica Hamel (Joyce Davenport on Hill Street Blues)


Wow, fucking A, Joyce
A very hot free lawyer

This was another case of juvenile infatualion, but for the love of God who could blame me?  Joyce Davenport was cathode ray-distributed perfection: hot, smart, defended poor people in court.  Probably should mention hot again.  She had it all.  I didn’t know much about Veronica at the time, but those end of episode scenes with her sitting up reading in bed, in full-body pajamas, were enough for me to go on.

(Note: These rankings were in the moment, I will not go back and reduce someone’s marks due to late-in-life slippage.  Veronica may not have aged as well as some of the others on this list, but she definitely firey back in the day).

Contenders for the crown: This may be hard for the youngsters to believe, but there was a brief period where Kathleen Turner was widely considered the sexiest woman in the world.  If you only know her as Chandler’s dad on Friends, go ahead and check out Body Heat.  That should help clarify things.  (Suggestion: don’t watch this with your parents.)  Carrie Fisher, based solely on the iconic Return of the Jedi slave girl outfit, was briefly under consideration in 1983.  The Heather Wars (Thomas vs. Locklear) were raging during this period; unable to choose a side, I stood idly by as the casualties mounted.


World’s Hottest Woman, 1988 – 1997:  Kelly Preston (Marnie Mason in the movie Twins)


A shame that her husband allegedly doesn't favor women
A shame that her husband allegedly doesn't favor women

I suppose this could be a controversial choice, unless you saw the fucking movie.  She was F-I-N-E.  Sadly, apparently as a teenage girl she decided she was going to marry John Travolta, and damned if she didn’t pull it off.  Since her role in the blockbuster Twins she’s apparently been pretty content taking care of JT, only making a ripple in Jerry Maguire as the title character’s bitchy, cheating girlfriend.  A shame, really, the world would have benefited from a little more Kelly Preston.

Contenders for the crown: Jessica Rabbit was close to breaking cultural barriers on this list – she would’ve been the first non-human and the first non-living creature to ascend to the throne.  She didn’t quite make it as her body of work wasn’t robust enough.  Sharon Stone’s early 90’s run put her in contention, but the fact that she was a murdering bitch in Basic Instinct ultimately served as a black mark against her candidacy.  Kim Bassinger did some fine work in this period, as did Priscilla Presley in The Naked Gun flicks, but neither made it to the top for even a flickering moment.  Vendela was a strong candidate, but ultimately (and ironically) not well-rounded enough.




World’s Hottest Woman, 1997 – 2007:  Heather Graham (Rollergirl, dude, Rollergirl.  And that chick in Swingers)


Heather Graham is insanely hot.  Good actress?  Not really.  Great person?  Hard to tell from her wooden personality.  Insanely hot?  Umm, yeah.  Insanely hot.  She will also get naked at the drop of a hat, which is an added bonus.  Just got to see a little unexpected nudity from her in The Hangover, but was disappointed that it was in a breastfeeding context.  Rollergirl will never be forgotten though, Heather.  Never.  Emily’s Reasons Why Not? That has been forgotten, and forgiven.  How about a Boogie Nights sequel?

Contenders for the crown: Cameron Diaz had some strong credentials, but her “one of the guys” personality was not considered a positive by the committee of one.  Katie Holmes was on the radar briefly, with a provocative dance number when she hosted SNL and her slutty scenes in The Gift.  People forget given how weird she’s been since The Annointment, but she was pretty stellar back in the day.




World’s Hottest Woman, 2007 – 2009:  Megan Fox (She played that girl in that retardfest Transformers)


See above.  Megan’s somewhat bizarre personality will lead to a relatively modest stay at the top of the chart.

Contenders for the crown: Angelina Jolie, that one girl from Beauty and the Geek, Shia LaBeouf’s mom.


World’s Hottest Woman, Current:  Heather Graham

What can I say?  She’s the Roger Federer of this list.  Did I mention I just saw The Hangover?
Til tomorrow,