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Some Friday Stuffs

Some Friday Stuffs

1.  Mad Men returns!  (Avoid if relative attractiveness and well-dressedness are self esteem issues for you)

2.  District 9 looks sweet, hoping to check it out this afternoon. I’ve skipped the details but the reviews from top critics look encouraging.  This will be my first chance to apply my South African knowledge/experience, I should certainly be able to verify the film’s cultural and historical accuracy.

3.  So You Think You Can Dance did not screw the pooch.  It looked like Evan, the dorky white dude, might win given his enormous “fan base” or “group of similar dorks with access to telephones.”   He was terrible.  Ultimately the judges came right out and said “if you continue to vote for Evan, then you are a fucking moron.”  In something of an upset, Jeanine won – she was a bit disadvantaged working (and possibly boning)  the one-dimensional Phillip Chbeeb for half the season.  Nice outcome.  It’s a little shocking that the last two girls were only 18 or so, given how objectified the women typically are on this show.  I guess if “dancer” is the professional path you’ve chosen, you are need to quickly get used to prancing around 90% naked in front of a lot of people.

The huge downside to the season’s end is that Evan’s fucking balding older brother is on the next season of SYTYCD.  That season starts in like two weeks, so that means I will be subjected to more of this broadway-loving, camera-mugging retard family.  Hopefully that older one doesn’t make the top 20 and we can be done with this quickly.

Again, you should be watching this show.  For reasons I cannot accurately convey, it is highly enjoyable.  As is America’s Best Dance Crew, which is also back on Sunday nights on MTV.  Haven’t watched the first episode yet, but I’m certain it will maintain its high level of excellence.  Watch them both.

Find the dissimilar item
Find the dissimilar item

4.  KFC is very popular in South Africa.  It’s by far the busiest spot in the Joburg airport and a standalone store in Cape Town was also going gangbusters.  I hear, but haven’t personally verified, the same about its popularity in China.  Combine that with the outstanding quality of the Nachos Supreme and Meximelt I had yesterday at the 14th and 5th T-Bell/Hut, and you’ve got a reason to buy some YUM Brands shares.  Ticker symbol?  YUM.  I might have to add to my already deep position.

5.  One of the Kardashians is pregnant?  Awesome, further advancement of the gene pool.  I really don’t understand why anyone gives a shit about that family?  Is it their propensity to date second tier professional athletes (sorry, Reggie, you are not even one of the better third down backs in the league)?  Kim has a big ass and was wheelbarrowed by Ray J on film.  The other ones get pregnant or arrested for DUI.  And now there’s a new show with the non-Kim ones, with ads plastered all over my regular reads like The EconomistUS Weekly, and The Atlantic.  I am seriously concerned about our society as a whole; at this point having all the mouthbreathers strapped into The Matrix pods looks like an optimistic outcome.

The one thing I find even remotely interesting about the Kardashian family is Bruce Jenner and how he’s handling the transition from ostensible “One of the Five Most Famous People in the World” following 1976 Olympic gold medal to bumbling husband/stepfather to (apparently) amoral, star-fucking, fame-seeking gold digger clan.  He seems to enjoy remote control helicopters and facelifts, but he is also the voice of reason/moral center of the household, so I’d say he’s faring pretty well.

6.  Happy Madden Day!  As one of the first people to own a Playstation in the U.S. (it debuted in September 1995 and I got mine in either October or November after uncannily predicting that eight weeks of Groton winter would be akin to a stint in Siberia) I can lay claim to a pretty rich, if dated, gaming history.  Shockingly I have never played Madden.  When I bought my Playstation, I opted for NFL Gameday, likely because it had William Floyd on the cover.  It was pretty complicated so I quickly gave up.  Then on my boat we played some NFL Blitz, which I also quickly abandoned as one of my mentally challenged colleagues figured out how to make Mark Bruener of his beloved Steelers open every single play.  Even though he averaged less than one catch per game in his real career, that fucking Bruener would score like seven TDs per game against my virtual Niners.

I hate football video games, because I suck at them.  But I do admire the Madden franchise and the fact that they’ve made its annual release a virtual holiday for slackers, nerds and sports enthusiasts alike.  Nice work.  Enjoy the holiday.

7.  “Make Her Say” – Pretty cool song combining some of my favorite things: Kid Cudi (check out “Day and Night” if unfamiliar with his oeuvre), Kanye and Lady Gaga.  Common too, but I’ve never been a big fan.  This song was originally called “I Poke Her Face” which for some reason the producers felt might not be radio friendly.  Those fickle marketers.

One complaint – can we please quit rhyming “medulla oblongata”?  Whodini was doing that shit like 25 years ago, so it isn’t exactly fresh.  And, Kanye, I know I’ve heard it from you at least as many times as you’ve rhymed “knowledge” and “college.”  Anyway, nice collaboration here.

8.    How quickly the scales of the court of public opinion shift – is that too wordy?  I was trying to evoke that blindfolded lady holding the scale with right on one side and wrong on the other or whatnot.  Anyway, about six months ago everyone felt sorry for that Jon Gosselin fellow because his wife seemed a raging controlling bitch.  Now he’s sporting Ed Hardy gear, earrings, banging random chicks and hanging out with Lindsay Lohan’s dad and everyone fucking hates him.  Hopefully, if you are reading this, you don’t fucking care.  I generally don’t fucking care either, except for the fact that I am besieged by his doofus image in much of the highbrow media I consume.

But one thing really got me riled up, he recently quoted about some new girlfriend: “she loves me for who I am, not for what I do.”  What exactly do you do, beyond over-employing fertilization routines and tv crews?  Seriously, this guy has no fucking job, he got canned.  (Not that there’s anything wrong with that, many of the smartest, most attractive and hilariousest people get canned)  But seriously, what does this fucking guy do?   I am seriously getting sick of these reality “stars” – of the shows I don’t watch, of course.

All the single ladies, form an orderly line!
All the single ladies, form an orderly line!

9.  I recommend checking out some Florence + The Machine if you are hurting for new music.  She sounds a little like Natalie Merchant on a dianabol cycle to me.  I favor the lady singers, so there’s always the chance I’m overenthusiastic. “Kiss With a Fist” is pretty sweet but the video is tres lame, so I offer “Dog Days” instead.


10.  Since it didn’t make sense to stop at #9, here’s a herd of buffalo:

Bring on the lions
A Gary Larson wet dream

Have a swell weekend,

Chilly17, wasted potential personified

How To Be An Idiot

How To Be An Idiot

There are an infinite number of ways to be an idiot.  Here’s one recently tested approach:

1.  Plan trip to Africa.

2.  Review several “Things To Do To Prepare For Your Trip To Africa” checklists

3.  Notice item “make copies of your passport”

4.  Laugh at notion of nervous nellies making copies of their passports

5.  Night before departure on massive international flight/torture method, decide to have a few drinks with old colleagues

6.  Have a few more drinks

7.  Around midnight, decide it’s time to go pack for 11:35 AM departure

8.  Laugh at how easy packing is and how fussed people generally get about it

9.  Make some burritos in advance of a 1:30 AM showing of the penultimate So You Think You Can Dance

10.  Go to trusted black box that stores all important personal documents

11.  Realize passport not in black box

12.  Look in SO’s purse, the only other place passport has ever been placed

13.  Commence foundation-rumbling search of every square inch of apartment

14.  Eat desultory burrito, halfheartedly listen to Cat Deeley as realization sinks in

15.  Start making Hail Mary phone calls to last airports visited re: lost passports at 2:30 AM

16.  Explore government website to see what the turnaround time is for new passport

17.  Realize this process may take two days, ruining vacation

18.  Cry softly into pillow as you realize you are going to get max 1.5 hours sleep

19.  Commence epic journey to government offices to seek out new passport

20.  Conclude that you are, in fact, an idiot

The astonishing thing is, I had a new passport in hand by 11:55 AM.  If, like 98% of all flights I’ve taken in my lifetime, the flight was delayed a modest two hours, we don’t miss anything.  As it was, we started our trip a day late, and I know have a passport photo that looks like I ate Jabba The Hut and several meat lovers pizzas after a three day bender.  (Seriously, I’m somehow rocking a triple chin – what the fuck?  Am I really that fat?)

The trip got off to an adrenaline-charged start, to say the least.  We are leaving Cape Town today to return to NYC and have a brutal flight schedule ahead of us, with little margin for error.  We could easily become ex-pats by nature of being stranded here.  The upside is, everything seems pretty cheap thanks to exchange rates; I can apparently get a condo on the water for the same amount I might drop in an ill-advised Borgota run.

Will get back to the normal routine shortly.  For now, please enjoy this photo of a big fucking lion.

A little too much srirach on his impala nuggets
He put a little too much sriracha on his impala nuggets


“Wednesday Was A Good Day”

“Wednesday Was A Good Day”

Courtesy GQ
Courtesy GQ

Hola.  It’s a Friday during summer, so I expect all of 4 or 5 people to be reading this instead of soaking up the sun.  Suddenly hot as fuck in NYC, really brings out the delicate aromas in the garbage bags on the street.  A little more of Megan Fox from GQ, I think her engaging personality and vibrant performances are really captivating people.  (She has also apparently done some crunches recently)

I couldn’t post on Thursday as I was a little hung ov – um, I wasn’t feeling well.  But Wednesday was a good day.  Please enjoy some classic Ice Cube complete with my alternative lyrics (in written form, I don’t have the technology or talent to record shit).

“Wednesday Was A Good Day”

Wednesday woke up around nine fifteen,

no hangover – what’s that mean?

Practicing moderation,

plus have no vocation,

let’s check the NASDAQ

ISRG on the comeback,

No job, no conference calls,

no stupid meetings,

And I didn’t even have to read an 8-K,

Wednesday was a good day

Feeling hungry,

strolled over

to Qdoba

forgot it’s only five to ten

Gave $2 to the needy,

stopped by Gristedes,

grabbed some Arriba Salsa – nice,

$5.99 is now the everyday low price,

those motherfuckers couldn’t stop me,

I know how to shop, see,

manager couldn’t splain why

bodega down the street a better buy

Price now only represents

about one percent

of my unemployment check.

And I didn’t even have to read an 8-K,

Wednesday was a good day

Back home, cook up some tacos,

pollo’s tight,

no problems from the knockos,

unless they hiding,

but I’m pretty law abiding,

paranoid from too much Wire,

mouth on fire,

man, I forgot:

Arriba’s fucking hot.

Head over to the gym for some lifting,

bench about three fifty,

nah, shit, only one eight five,

will survive

twenty minutes on the mill

now it’s time to chill

or maybe take a fucking nap

And I didn’t even have to read an 8-K,

Wednesday was a good day

Wake up from my nap,

holy crap!

it’s four thirty – did my stocks pop?

oops, don’t drop that laptop!

up three percent, Ted,

time for some fermented

grapes –

Menage, boy, that’s right

G1 blowin up –

“you going out, what up tonight?”

No chance,

Wednesday, son:

So You Think You Can Dance.

And I didn’t even have to read an 8-K,

Wednesday was a good day

Looking good tonight, Cat,

Hey where’s my SO at?

Not home by ten as promised,

Guess I’ll hafta grab some hummus.

Wait, there she is – what the hell?

Is that a bag of Taco Bell?

Fuck that mashed garbanzo,

I’ll have a volcanco taco.

Okay, that wasn’t real,

she didn’t show til 2:00 AM

taco-free and drunk, my friend,

But technically that was Thursday,

so all-in-all,

Wednesday was a good day….

Nice fail, Emmy voters
Nice fail, Emmy voters

Enjoy your weekends and shit,