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Ten Other Events That Could Cripple The Internet

Ten Other Events That Could Cripple The Internet

Here we are two weeks later, and Michael Jackson coverage is still everywhere.  Amazing.  I guess it shouldn’t be so shocking considering he was probably still the biggest star in the world, his international fame having apparently diminished less over the last two decades than here in the U.S.  What events (excluding war or terrorism) could even come close to matching Michael’s death as far as media coverage, internet crippling, and hysteria inciting?


#10.  Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt confuse “self promotion” with “self-immolation” on followup Today Show appearance

one can hope
One can hope, right?


#9.  Miley Cyrus has torrid, public affair with 47 year old proprietor of popular “Miley’s Countdown to 18 Years Old” website; Billy Ray approves, has cheese sandwich


#8.  Lady Gaga announces special benefit concert to be held in own vagina


#7.  Seth Rogen announces that he has turned down the opportunity to play a mumbling stoner in an upcoming comedic film


#6.  Michael Jordan announces that he is gay and dating Neil Patrick Harris


A couple with true cross-cultural appeal
A couple with true cross-cultural appeal



#5.  Chris Brown found beaten to death with three purity rings shoved up his ass; Rihanna / Jonas Brothers kick off North American tour


#4.  Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie produce and star in a hardcore pornographic film to be released in theaters; all proceeds from the film to benefit starving/poorly coiffed children around the world


#3.  Jon Gosselin wins custody of kids after Kate admits to participating in Pagan sacrifice rituals; Jon immediately hooks up with Octomom and TLC greenlights Jon & Nadya Plus Twenty

Candid shot at a Sam's Club on a diaper run
The happy couple on a $60k diaper run

#2.  J.K. Rowling and David Simon announce collaboration: three new Harry Potter novels, to be set in The Wire‘s Baltimore; first one tentatively titled Harry Potter and Oh Fuck It’s Omar


#1.  Heath Ledger and Joaquin Phoenix reveal recent death/bizarre behavior as hoaxes and announce plans for Brokeback II: Bareback Boogaloo

Better days
Hopefully this happens for the sake of Dark Knight II and struggling rappers everywhere


Wow, can’t believe it’s been six days since last post.  Fairly banged up since whirlwind 4th of July weekend in AC with ‘Tro and his lovely wife.  Apparently need 18 hours of sleep to fully recover.  Although I did go pretty strong for five consecutive days.  Whatever, I’m back now and will have some new stuff this week.

Later, Chilly17


The Case For: Spencer Pratt

The Case For: Spencer Pratt

The attractive gentleman pictured above is Spencer Pratt.  I certainly hope that those of you reading these words have no idea who this kid is – God knows I wish I didn’t.  But I have no control over what goes into/out of our (her) DVR, so I’m sometimes subjected to the inanities of shit like The Hills while I’m trying to catch up on the latest hotchickswithdouchebags.com posts.  What is The Hills, you might ask?  I’m not really certain, as I can assure you I don’t pay that much attention – there’s a lot of blank-staring, mouth-breathing and white-boy-slang-appropriating going on, as far as I can tell, and not much else.

One thing is for absolute certain though – Spencer, and to an extent his talented wife Heidi (nee Montag), is absolutely hated because of the show.  I avow, aver and whatever else is appropriate that I have never knowingly/willingly tuned in, but through sheer televised osmosis (and the brilliant The Soup) I am aware that somehow there was some feud between Speidi (tabloid monikers rule) and Lauren Conrad (the star of the show who is also a vacant starer/mouth breather).  I believe Speidi-planted allegations that Lauren starred in an amateur sex tape may have started the feud (since when has that been bad for a career in celeb/reality world?).  Since then there has apparently been a lot of acrimony and stuff – you can tell because the silences in the show get awkwarder, the stares vacanter and the breathing mouthier.  And Spencer has really embraced the role of villain, generally stirring up a lot of shit and showing little remorse (including punching some dude for something or other in a bar at some point).  He talks, acts and looks like the epitome of douchebag – actually he goes up a notch, to full-fledged twat.  (Not to plug it again but The Soup brilliantly skewered one recent highlight where Spencer and an idiotic head-bobbing moron friend discussed their plans for the night in 1990 NWA-speak)  Why would I write an extensive, informative, well-thought, reader-friendly, grammatically-correct post to defend this Twat with a Capital T?

Because I think he’s in on the joke.  He’s playing the villain for the Q-rating only, trying to keep his celebrity up while he can.  He’s making money appearing on garbage like I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here! and reprising his role as “The Dickmunch”.  Clearly he doesn’t buy into all the bullshit he espouses and it’s (mostly?) an act to keep in the public eye for as long as possible.  Positive NPV move.  The guy has no real talents – he’s his wifes manager, and by all accounts, her music career isn’t going anywhere (new bolt-ons notwithstanding).  What else does he have to offer?  Given his strong identification with the urban world, he can maybe do some duets with Joaquin Phoenix or something, but  that seems unlikely.

It’s a brilliant strategy, really – he’s evolved the Omarosa approach to celebrity.  “I’m a dick, keep your eyes on me because I may do something dickish”.  I swore to myself that I wouldn’t do any research for this post beyond the retardities that I’ve endured with that dreck on in the background, but the kid says some pretty humorous stuff.  On the reality show I’m a Celebrity (and the networks have really taken liberties with the word “celebrity” – a Deal or No Deal model and an anonymous ex-wrestler qualify?), Spencer’s diatribe to “NBC network executive” where he says “we’re megacelebrities and we’re stuck out here with these nobodies” cannot possibly be legitimate.  But I applaud the efforts, and I appreciate that NBC also embraced the couple for the sake of ratings – I like Lou Diamond Phillips as much as the next guy (his wife bailed on him for Melissa Etheridge, for Christ’s sake!), but the casual idiot watching summer tripe such as this is much more familar with Heidi and Spencer.  And apparently the ratings dropped like 20% once Spencer and Heidi departed.  (Full disclosure: This fucking show is on in the background as I’m typing this likely Pulitzer-worthy post).

So I nod my head to you, Spencer Pratt; I would do the exact same fucking act if I were in your shoes.  Just consider maybe shaving and cutting down on the open-mouthedness a bit.

Speidi's better quarter?
Speidi's better quarter?

Chilly17, still wasting potential