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Super Bowl Commentary

Super Bowl Commentary


I’m picking the Saints to win outright, assuming destiny is gonna play a part here.  Could also be a Colts blowout.

First Saints possession, straight out of the Niners handbook – go for a fucking bomb on third and short.  Moving the chains is overrated.  Too late to change pick?

Colts convert first third down, eschewing the “chains overrated” strategy.  Time to enjoy an alcoholic beverage.

6:40:  Austin Collie, MVP?  Sounds more like a 60s sitcom or medical drama.

6:42: That stop was critical, TD to start would have been ominous.

6:44: Wait, what?  Is that Tebow commercial a series or something?  That was it?  What?  I thought it was a pro-life commercial, not a “we have a great relationship because I didn’t abort him” relationship.

(Editor’s Note: An unwanted old friend visited last Thursday, resulting in a lack of posting anything….and a lack of being able to eat solid foods, walk upright or even read the frickin internet as my mind was scrambled from tequila, kamikazes and an appearance by….The Enlightened White Guy….this time the EWG was pretty well versed in what it was like growing up gay and black in Maryland…because, you know, the EWG once lived in Maryland…I hope and pray no transcript of that conversation exists.

It has taken two and a half straight days of living right to even consider having alcohol.  Got up today, ran six miles (on the treadmill, so call me a p*ssy if you must) had a delicious breakfast burrito, spent about an hour shredding casino and credit card offers, then finally went to the liquor store to restock.  I’m drinking a vodka and Sierra Mist and vodka.  You’ve probably been working out too much when you start counting calories in your booze. )

6:50: Obligatory Kardashian shot coming in…..5…4…3…2….1…wow, they didn’t go there?  Nice job, CBS…

6:53: Is there some rule that we need a Robin Hood reboot every ten years or so?  Who gives a shit about Robin Hood?

6:54: That Jalen is one precocious kid.

6:58: Might have to change the pick, Colts look like they can march at will.

7:01: Why did I post this so early?  Meant Colts, big.  Luckily, I have so far adhered to my “no betting in 2010” resolution.  Over 10% of the year is over!

7:03: That Go Daddy chick looks like Heather Graham.  That is a compliment.  HG just turned 40, btw.  Good genetics.  For the record though, HostGator is the shiznat.  And Danica Patrick?  Meh.  (Not sure what that really means, I assume the same as “guh” or “fwaw” or “not that hot”)

7:05: The girl in that buried in Dorito’s commercial was formerly a Pats cheerleader, she was at the Panthers super bowl (also known as the Janet Jackson Super Bowl).  wastedpotentialz.com=investigative journalism at its finest.

7:07: Wow, this is a pain in the ass.  Gotta slow down the pace.  So far, the whole thing = lame.

7:09: Tigers in Africa?  Cmon fucking Cars.com, get your jungle cats right.  I didn’t see a single fucking tiger in Africa.

7:13: Nice run, Pierre.  Now go cook a souffle.

7:17: Hartley, you are fucking money.  Good work for a youngster.

7:19: SO’s response to Human Bridge Budweiser ad: “yeah, right.”  Talking frogs she believes in, though.

7:20: Holy shit – that Oprah, Leno, Letterman commercial was awesome.  Rarely does a network spot score.  Oprah hates Letterman and she’s rich as shit, wonder what would entice her to even do that spot?

7:21: Back to back no pants commercials?  Is this commercial break sponsored by Lady Gaga?

7:22: Sweet, extra spaces in the post?  I love that, that’s fucking awesome.  The realization that changing my template will probably ruin everything I’ve worked so hard to create was a sour one.

7:24: Vilma!  If only the Saints also had Betty.  And Veronica.

7:27: Nice plug for the new three day prime time NFL draft.  I remember when I was a little kid my mom once let me skip school on a Tuesday so I could watch – it used to be on Tuesday/Wednesday and now its displacing quality prime time programs like Gary, Unmarried.

7:39: Apparently mandatory casting: any classic, kooky character from a beloved children’s movie can only be portrayed by Johnny Depp.

7:42: I applaud your balls, Sean Payton, but THAT’S your fucking playcall????  Horrific.

7:43: I am so fucking pumped for The Who.  (I just wanted to see how that sounded.  According to Google, it’s never been said before.  Seeing 60-70 year olds rock out on a grand stage is beyond embarassing.  You’re telling me Taylor Swift was unavailable?  She was stellar at the Grammies.)

7:46: First How I Met Your Mother, now FLO TV commercials, Jim Nantz?  Is Samuel Jackson your new agent?

7:48: Nice return, Reggie.  Apparently as scared of the coverage team as a sequel to that Ray J video.

7:50: Halftime.  Could be worse, momentum definitely on the side of NO.  Halftime certain to be tres lame.  Time for a burrito redux.

8:19: Now fully recling beds, American?  The same day you let me know my status has expired and I’m back in steerage?  Dammit.

8:20: C’mon, Saints.  Let’s get it done.

8:21: Holy shit.  Onside kick – that was insane.  Looks like Saints had it briefly then lost it.  Great call, Payton, go for the gusto.  It’s the fucking Super Bowl.

8:22: Saints ball!  That was badass.  Singletary, take a look at how aggressive you need to be in today’s NFL.  You can’t really hope that a small lead will hold up.

8:25: Where are the Jersey Shore kids?  I thought we’d seem them all over the place.  Whoever’s hoping to sell that Snookie sex tape would probably do better by charging people $0.05 not to ever have to see that shit.  Anyone who won’t pay $0.05 will have the video pop up in their inbox.  Classic spam (and she’s somewhat shaped like spam, but more circular and orange.)

8:27: Touchdown, Saints!  That was a fucking ballsy way to come out for the second half.  Impressive – one way or the other, a Payton (Peyton?) is apparently gonna decide the day.

8:30: Punching and no-pants are apparently the commercial motifs of the day.  Do not understand.  Didn’t really understand Megan Fox either – was the point that she was sending pictures of her in the bath and that everyone was locked on to them?  Wouldn’t that also happen just from the commercial?  Unless the assumption was that the pictures were much more risque?  I don’t follow, but I’m also not on facebook.  (But I have fucking twittered like nobody’s business.  chilly_17)

8:36: What a throw from Manning to Clark.  Wow.  He’ll never be an Alex Smith, but Manning is pretty good.

8:39: 17-13 Colts on the Addai touchdown.  Good game.  Things have been turned up a notch.  Must’ve been The Who rocking the fucking shit ouit of Miami.

8:40: Chevy Chase’s resurgence bordering on overexposure.  Community, Super Bowl commercials, Hot Tub Time Machine….but no Fletch sequel….

8:43: Now that looks like the Africa we saw.  Way to keep it real, Coke.  But no Rhino?  Lame.

8:44: What happened, is the old E*trade baby like 14 now?  This new kid sucks.  Switch back to monkeys.

8:50: Wow, Hartley is friggin money.  After all the missed field goals this year, I fully expected a shank.

8:51: A Google commercial?  Who doesn’t know what Google is? That’s like Big Brother needing to advertise.  (just kidding, Googs, I enjoy your work)  And a census commercial?  Everyone loves census takers and respects their challenging task.  Wow, that Google commercial was pretty good though.  (Enjoy that solid analysis)

8:55: What was the over/under, 56?  Looks like the under is gonna crush.

9:02: The NFL is really going to be different if teams continue to keep going for it on 4th down so much in what would “normally” be an obvious punt situation.  I’ve always maintained that if I ran a team I’d have no punter or kicker, go for it every time (in extremis you could have your QB kick, if it’s 4th and 37 or something) and always go for two.  Now teams are understanding the importance of, you know, having possession of the ball.  There will be a team average 45 points a game in the next five seasons.

9:08: I’m respecting the lack of Kardashian on the screen tonight.  If only I could talk my DVR into the same arrangement.

9:12: Failed to mention, had to open some new Yellow Tail.  The old YT was not cutting it.  Actually just realized I somehow lost my intro where I showed my burrito, some YT and some wasabi Kit Kats.  Yeah, I have wasabi Kit Kats, what of it?  Where’d that fucking pic go?

9:13: Touchdown, Shockey!  I do not particularly like Shockey, but I like how this game is going.  Go for two?  I would here.

9:17: Seems like a dumb challenge.  Wait – that’s a catch.  Sweet.  Let’s see if the judges see it that way.

9:18: I tried 5 Hour Energy last week.  Shit seems to work in a less heart-pounding manner than Red Bull.  Lots of caffeine, but a ton of vitamin shit too.  And niacin.  So, I look like I’m permanently embarassed now, but a little less sleepy.

9:19: Overturned!  Fuckin A.

9:21: If there was a Denny’s in NYC, I’d take a free Grand Slam.  Actually, I’d probably just get a Super Bird.  So tasty.

9:23:  I smell overtime.  Oh, upon further review, this picture belies the deliciousness of the burritos.  But you get a sense of the lifestyle – the 5 Hour Energy bottles, the YT, the Arriba, the stack of precisely $6 on the counter.  Actually I might have to downgrade from “bling bling” to just “bling.”  “Bling bling” implies at least $12.


Baller



9:30: Pick Fucking six!  Saints win!  Now I can go back to hating the Saints.

9:32: In hindsight, I should’ve given myself a one day window for some wholesome betting.  Saints really played well, and hats of to Sean Payton, who by most counts, is a prick.  But he called a ballsy game and they never gave up.

9:35: Hopefully now we can all shut up with the whole “Peyton’s the best ever” argument.  Joe Montana never lost a Super Bowl and with today’s rules would have probably thrown for 6,000 yards and 75 TDs per season.  Peyton is great and will most likely get another ring or two, but he’s had some gag jobs in the playoffs, too.  (So did Montana, for those who want to talk about that sweet 87 team that choked against Minnesota.  But he never threw a pick in a Super Bowl, much less a pick six.)

9:41: Or two picks in the last four minutes.

9:42: Okay, apparently that wasn’t a pick.  But close.

9:46: Congrats, Saints.  Now, I’m back to being a Niner fan, so feel free to go fuck yourselves.  Good night.