I haven’t done a lot of investigative journalism on this site, largely because it sounds pretty hard. Consumer activism, sure – we all deserve to have access to reasonably priced salsa. But up to this point, I really haven’t had the energy or inclination to seek out answers to any of life’s mysteries or anything like that. Until now, that is. I recently took a flight to Japan for the sole purpose of acquiring a wasabi KitKat. Why does this product exist? What reasonable person would purchase this? How long after ingestion before you feel the urge to regurgitate? It even ties back to my most noteworthy post, where I mentioned the insane KitKat flavors available in Japan. (With no slight intended, I think we can all agree that Japanese culture is pretty damn weird when viewed from the lens of “not insane.” Something like 35% of the population of Japan owns a stuffed AFLAC duck. People actually live in drawers like that Seinfeld episode. Dudes have public relationships with large dolls. Even the Japanese find themselves to be bizarre, so crazy food is to be expected.) One quick observation: the Japanese fucking love them some KitKats. There’s like 3,000 different varieties. Come to think of it, I probably should have bought more than just this one box, now I will probably have to go back to try the flavor with the inexplicable red-faced demon on the package.
Startlingly jetlagged after my run to Japan and back, I decided to get some rest before the taste test, wanting the WKK to have the benefit of a level playing field. For the playing field, I used our kitchen counter, and even set the WKKs next to the wastedpotentialz happy first birthday cupcake for comparison’s sake. (Yeah, that’s a Reese’s cup atop the cupcake – making it a cupcake on multiple levels – and it’s that Reese’s peanut butter egg time of year. Haven’t seen one yet, but I’m gonna load up when I do.) Let’s get down to bizness.
Wasabi KitKat Taste Test
Appearance: The WKK looks like a normal white chocolate KK, right down to saying “KitKat” in plain old English. (In case it isn’t obvious, I don’t have giant-sized hands – these are bite-sized KKs. In fact my hands are pretty dainty, which probably explains why I could never quite dunk. Stupid tiny hands.)
Rationale: Unclear. Must be purely cultural, as I can think of no logical reason that one would desire a combination of wasabi and candy bar. Although given that the Japanese apparently also enjoy squid- and gravel-flavored KitKats, what do I know?
Taste: Ever eaten a white chocolate candy bar? You know, where your taste buds immediately scream “this is fucking delicious” but by the end of the bite they are saying “hey, that’s kind of too fucking sweet!”? A similar process is in play here, except for after that first “this is fucking delicious” part, imagine someone came up to you and squirted some horseradish in your mouth. Somewhat unpleasant. (Must be the tannins – it’s always the tannins that fuck up the finish.)
Overall: I’m gonna give this an official grade of blechhh.
Something New Is Going On Here, But What?
That smell you smell? Capitalism. Just look to your right, you see it up there? That’s an Amazon.com ad. See, if that ad causes one of your synapses to fire up the “I need to buy something and I’m too lazy to type in amazon.com so maybe I’ll just click here to spare myself the effort” process, then I will make some cash if you buy something. How much cash? A lot of cash, assuming you well-to-do motherfuckers (I see where you work, you guys/gals are some BSDs) spend all of your disposable income at amazon. I’m talking a couple of burritos per month kind of cash.
You are probably wondering, what’s the downside? Will Chilly have access to my credit card information or know what kind of products I’m buying? The answer is no and no. So TDiddy, continue to order marital aids with wild abandon. 1#, no one will find out about your bulk orders of Tuck Medicated Pads or your purchase of The Dummies Guide to the NFL. This is a veritable win-win situation. Actually, I guess it’s more of a win-don’t lose situation, since I’m really the only one that comes out ahead on this deal. But I promise you that this cash grab will not change the attitude, content or ideology behind this blog.
Bonus Product Review: Swisher 66-Inch Zero Turning Radius Pro Series Riding Lawn Mower with 27 HP Kohler Courage VTwin Engine
Comfort: The model I tested had the heated leather seats and DVD option – the thing is so fucking comfortable we moved it into the living room and now favor it over the couch. The engine is ninja-silent and changing the bags is a breeze. Also, it looks badass. Grade: A+++
Performance: I mowed our backyard in less than five minutes with this mower – impressive. Honestly, I think I could take care of our entire block’s lawnmowing needs with this badboy. They advertise 27 hp, but it feels more like 350 or so; I’m certain it could run with my old 911. Grade: A++++++
Value: Absent prior knowledge of the price, I assumed this machine was in the $8-9k range. However, I found it for only $6,371.74 at Amazon.com! (They really have everything there, at great prices – I love that place.) Deal of the century. Grade: A+++++++++++++++++
Overall: Consider yourself a fucking moron if you don’t buy one (or more, having a backup mower is always smart) of these right now. Grade: A+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Happy mowing – Oscar picks tomorrow,