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Wasabi KitKat Taste Test

Wasabi KitKat Taste Test

I haven’t done a lot of investigative journalism on this site, largely because it sounds pretty hard.  Consumer activism, sure – we all deserve to have access to reasonably priced salsa.  But up to this point, I really haven’t had the energy or inclination to seek out answers to any of life’s mysteries or anything like that.  Until now, that is.  I recently took a flight to Japan for the sole purpose of acquiring a wasabi KitKat.  Why does this product exist?  What reasonable person would purchase this?  How long after ingestion before you feel the urge to regurgitate?  It even ties back to my most noteworthy post, where I mentioned the insane KitKat flavors available in Japan.  (With no slight intended, I think we can all agree that Japanese culture is pretty damn weird when viewed from the lens of “not insane.”  Something like 35% of the population of Japan owns a stuffed AFLAC duck.  People actually live in drawers like that Seinfeld episode.  Dudes have public relationships with large dolls.  Even the Japanese find themselves to be bizarre, so crazy food is to be expected.)  One quick observation: the Japanese fucking love them some KitKats.  There’s like 3,000 different varieties.  Come to think of it, I probably should have bought more than just this one box, now I will probably have to go back to try the flavor with the inexplicable red-faced demon on the package.

Startlingly jetlagged after my run to Japan and back, I decided to get some rest before the taste test, wanting the WKK to have the benefit of a level playing field.  For the playing field, I used our kitchen counter, and even set the WKKs next to the wastedpotentialz happy first birthday cupcake for comparison’s sake.  (Yeah, that’s a Reese’s cup atop the cupcake – making it a cupcake on multiple levels – and it’s that Reese’s peanut butter egg time of year.  Haven’t seen one yet, but I’m gonna load up when I do.)  Let’s get down to bizness.

Wasabi KitKat Taste Test

Appearance:  The WKK looks like a normal white chocolate KK, right down to saying “KitKat” in plain old English.  (In case it isn’t obvious, I don’t have giant-sized hands – these are bite-sized KKs.  In fact my hands are pretty dainty, which probably explains why I could never quite dunk.  Stupid tiny hands.)

First impression: looks okay

Rationale:  Unclear.  Must be purely cultural, as I can think of no logical reason that one would desire a combination of wasabi and candy bar.  Although given that the Japanese apparently also enjoy squid- and gravel-flavored KitKats, what do I know?

Taste:  Ever eaten a white chocolate candy bar?  You know, where your taste buds immediately scream “this is fucking delicious” but by the end of the bite they are saying “hey, that’s kind of too fucking sweet!”?  A similar process is in play here, except for after that first “this is fucking delicious” part, imagine someone came up to you and squirted some horseradish in your mouth.  Somewhat unpleasant.  (Must be the tannins – it’s always the tannins that fuck up the finish.)

I really should start using something other than my phone to take pictures
It's hard to focus when you are not feeling well

Overall:  I’m gonna give this an official grade of blechhh.

Something New Is Going On Here, But What?

That smell you smell?  Capitalism.  Just look to your right, you see it up there?  That’s an ad.  See, if that ad causes one of your synapses to fire up the “I need to buy something and I’m too lazy to type in so maybe I’ll just click here to spare myself the effort” process, then I will make some cash if you buy something.  How much cash?  A lot of cash, assuming you well-to-do motherfuckers (I see where you work, you guys/gals are some BSDs) spend all of your disposable income at amazon.  I’m talking a couple of burritos per month kind of cash.

You are probably wondering, what’s the downside?  Will Chilly have access to my credit card information or know what kind of products I’m buying?  The answer is no and no.  So TDiddy, continue to order marital aids with wild abandon.  1#, no one will find out about your bulk orders of Tuck Medicated Pads or your purchase of The Dummies Guide to the NFL.  This is a veritable win-win situation.  Actually, I guess it’s more of a win-don’t lose situation, since I’m really the only one that comes out ahead on this deal.  But I promise you that this cash grab will not change the attitude, content or ideology behind this blog.

Bonus Product Review:  Swisher 66-Inch Zero Turning Radius Pro Series Riding Lawn Mower with 27 HP Kohler Courage VTwin Engine

Do you want to be the envy of the entire neighborhood? The choice is yours

Comfort: The model I tested had the heated leather seats and DVD option – the thing is so fucking comfortable we moved it into the living room and now favor it over the couch.  The engine is ninja-silent and changing the bags is a breeze.  Also, it looks badass.  Grade:  A+++

Performance: I mowed our backyard in less than five minutes with this mower – impressive.  Honestly, I think I could take care of our entire block’s lawnmowing needs with this badboy.  They advertise 27 hp, but it feels more like 350 or so; I’m certain it could run with my old 911.  Grade: A++++++

Value: Absent prior knowledge of the price, I assumed this machine was in the $8-9k range.  However, I found it for only $6,371.74 at! (They really have everything there, at great prices – I love that place.)  Deal of the century.  Grade: A+++++++++++++++++

Overall: Consider yourself a fucking moron if you don’t buy one (or more, having a backup mower is always smart) of these right now.  Grade: A+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Happy mowing – Oscar picks tomorrow,


The Case for: Funyuns

The Case for: Funyuns






I may take some flack for this post, but I’ve recently reconnected with a childhood love.  Something so delicious, so special, yet so misunderstood – like the “ugly” girl with glasses in a high school comedy (before she puts on a slutty dress, ditches the glasses and wears her hair down).  I’m talking, of course, about the delicious snack food pictured above: Funyuns.  Funyuns get little respect these days, despite a well-established history of satiating little kids and stoners through five different decades (introduced 1969).  They’ve even been immortalized by the Onion (no relation).  And yet, Funyuns are rarely mentioned in the same breath as Doritos, Cheetos or other flavored snack chips (Funyuns sit more on the Bugles tier of the chip hierarchy).   Funyuns have sadly never worn the sluttly dress of public approval.

I however, have always recognized their greatness.  When I was a kid, sometimes I’d be able to finagle a bag into the week’s groceries.  Then I would set about mentally rationing them so they’d last seven days.  They usually lasted 1.5 days – Funyuns just went too perfectly with huge glasses of Pepsi during Atari 2600 marathons.  In my teens, Funyuns and Mountain Dew were two cornerstones of my food pyramid (the rest of the pyramid was comprised solely of the various permutations of the Taco Bell menu, leading to a pyramidal body shape).   

There is some irony here because, as even slight acquaintances of mine know, I friggin hate onions.  I would like to remove them from the universe.  I cannot stand the sight, the texture.  Blugh.  I would like to see all the world’s onions smashed into a fine powder.  Good riddance.  That’s a lot of powder, though – why don’t we mix it up with some corn meal and fry it in ring shapes?

Ha-ha!  See, the geniuses at Frito Lay have fooled the average consumer into believing these are actually fried onions.  They are circular like onion rings (well, in theory – by the time you open the bag they are generally only 10 million c-shaped Funyun fragments in the bag.  A still-intact Funyun is a rare snack food artifact), but they are actually just some onion powder-infused dough fried up like o-rings.  Read the fine print: “Onion Flavored Rings.”  That’s brilliant marketing.

I find Funyuns to be best paired with a turkey + American cheese wrap (you know, in a tortilla).  Add a nice Merlot and you’re all set.  Side benefit: Funyuns pack fewer calories than peer snack foods, so the deliciousness/calories ratio is off the charts.  Also, the “Funyun powder” residue can be used to chalk youth soccer fields, crime scenes, etc.

Although Funyuns are rarely seen as anything but punch-lines in pot-related comedies, there have been a couple of spinoffs – the true mark of a great product.  Like Twix, there’s a wasabi flavored variant (seems a better fit here):




And there’s a Flamin’ Hot offshoot:



Sadly, I haven’t been able to try either of the sequels yet.  But I will purchase on sight.  If the Flamin’ Hots are anywhere near as delish as the FH Cheetos then they are probably a perfect complement to a double bottle of Yellow Tail Shiraz.

The cons of Funyuns?  I can really only think of one: damn they hurt the roof of your mouth!  I thought Scoops were bad!  But it’s the kind of pain that’s worth it, and I think in 2-3 weeks I will have a full upper palate again.

So get off your high horse and grab a bag of Funyuns….I guarantee enjoyment, with only a modicum of damage to the the roof of your mouth.

Well done, Frito Lay, well done….